I am doing OK!

A fellow rider's moving story.

hi Steve, I am doing ok, thank you. just I am an expert on childhood depression, teenage depression, trauma depression, clinical depression and just general dysthemia!!!

but I admire myself, lol, if thats the right words, because even though it seemed to me that it would never end and would you believe, my family, when I had one, unconsciously wanted me in the dungeon as that was THEIR comfort zone!! when I wanted to be well and happy and break the bonds, they resisted and did all in their power to push me back into the person they knew and had life skills to cope with (ignore).

in the end, I had to make difficult decisions to save myself. I admire that i never gave up, though I lived largely with no support, I went from counsellor to counsellor.

in the end I found a clinical psychologist I clicked with and though I went to him for years, which many found strange (arent you better yet? he mustnt be much good) he said some things that ring in my head.

I asked, why did I walk away, knowing I was losing a niece I adored and lost a "family". he said, they made the emotional price you had to pay, too high for you to bear.

and other stuff that rang true for me.

I will always have dysthemia as long term depression alters the chemical structure of your brain and I think probably I have that, but I fought so hard to preserve a small happy kernel in there somewhere as always it didnt make sense to me (I am nothing if not crushingly logical) and didnt seem right. children who suffer develop a disproportionate sense of right and wrong as its in our brains somewhere, a sense of fair play is not learned; there is some evidence that some of it is innate.

anyway....I can deal with the dysthemia. but depression remains so difficult. the trauma depressions are easy. the chemical depressions are easy (relatively you understand). but the recurring, the long term, the clinical, the come from nowhere, they are truly horrid, not just for the person, but for all around. people walk away (my family) or they just in the end cannot cope.

I got by with this psychologist, some friends who did stick like burrs, and my own relentless efforts that I would find the light that might not give me the outrageous exhibitionist happiness some on this forum display, but a happiness of spirit, a peacefulness of heart.

and the small child of long ago is finally loved. that leads to a way overdue sense of self worthiness!!!

so I am ok. its amazing at my age to finally say that! my troubles are practical ones rather than ones in my head. I wish I could join you on the Ride to the Red Centre. I will have to think on the dates. the bandit will be overdue for another run.

again, best wishes in your efforts.